Crystalline
by I'm known as Xana
Summary: In the end, he was nothing more than a wasted life. WARNINGS: TRIGGERS, AU, OOC. READ A/N BEFORE READING
1. Crystalline

**Author's Note:**

 **PLEASE READ BEFORE CONTINUING**

 **First of all, I want to say hello again, it's been a while since I posted a story on this site due to some things that were going on in my personal life. Thankfully, that seems to be done for the most part meaning that I can come back to writing and whatnot.**

 **Second off I wanted to post this as like a final warning before the point of no return came up on you readers.  
Warnings:Possible ooc, AU, TRIGGERS  
**

 **You read that right,** **THIS STORY CONTAINS POSSIBLE TRIGGERS.**

 **TRIGGERS INCLUDE: Depression, Suicide (Implied or Outright), Death. That being said, if any of these topics bother you and/or can trigger anything please DO NOT READ. **

**I am actually half convinced that this will be taken down from the site due to what the story itself is. I don't want to cause anyone any harm so please heed the warning above. Lastly, I do not own Devil is a Part-Timer! or any of the characters mentioned in this story.  
**

 **If you have read the above warnings and you still wish to proceed despite knowing the risks, continue on.**

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To whom this may concern:

What do you think causes humans to belittle and degrade another without provocation? What compels them to attack and harm their fellow human being's self-esteem? How can they sleep peacefully at night with the knowledge that they are pushing others into a dark place? A place that is void of any light, an abyss that sucks the life out of its victims. The place that deludes and eventually destroys the person's senses, leaving them cold and numb.

Why would a human willingly do something so heartless and unnecessarily cruel to another? Why do they just walk off, so apathetically, afterwards, leaving a million scattered shards in their wake? Do they not realize that by doing this, they are basically sealing the victim's fate? That they are the one that tying the knot to the noose around their neck. Pulling the trigger to the loaded gun placed against their temple. The final nail in a coffin of their own creation.

These thoughts are what twist and churn in my mind on a day to day basis now. They have, ever since I have arrived on this realm. They have ever since I've stopped to take the time and truly observe how humans act. How they never seem to be capable with getting along with one another; how they are always out for each other's blood. Through these observations, I've learned things from the perspective of these confusing creatures.

I have learned thing about these humans that I've never bothered to care about prior to this. Through this, I've learned things about myself that I wasn't even aware of. Things I never wanted to acknowledge for fear of what the information would do to me. Now I know what it would do and it's now tearing me apart. I understand the feeling of pain in a way I wish I could now forget. And the worse part is that now that I know what it feels like, I know that there is nothing I can do to erase the memory of it.

Pain is something that is incomprehensible until one experiences it for themselves. It is one of those things that once they feel it, it is forever ingrained in your mind. It is something that doesn't just simply go away, no it is something that someone must be willing to overcome. It is the obstacle that one must climb, to fight tooth and nail to overcome and move on.

Some however are unable to overcome whatever is blocking their way and rise above. No, instead they allow for themselves to be dragged deeper and deeper into the endless void. They allow the shadows to embrace their life and deprive them of the sun's warm embrace. Away from the light and into the suffocating shadows. This, dear reader, is my ultimate fate.

You see dear reader, my life has always been one trial after another, and to be completely honest, I'm tired. From the first day of my life when I drew my first breath, my fate was sealed. I was...corrupted, according to the high ups, the archangels. I was labeled as a corrupted angel for the mere color of my wings.

You see, angels have recessive and dominant genes like humans do. The dominant gene is white wings while the recessive gene is black wings, I possessed the latter. Male angels were expected to join what is equivalent to the army for humans. There they would try to warp our way of thinking, transforming us to mindless zombies. Shackling us to a way of thinking without a sense of self.

This was the catalyst of my enviable banishment. They threw me out of Heaven because of my refusal to comply to their rules. They would swear up and down, if asked, that I was nothing but a traitor, no more than a demon. This didn't surprise me, they had spent my entire life looking for an excuse to get rid of me. This doesn't mean it didn't hurt any less.

I am a wasted life, dear reader. Don't worry I have all but accepted this fact. Even after I found temporary respite in the arms of demons, I still am nothing more. Even as I served as one of Satan's four generals, I still knew. Demons were no different from angels, regardless of their different viewpoints. They took just as much pleasure as any in reminding me that I was just a corrupted angel.

I would never show them the pain that I felt on a daily basis. I couldn't, despite everything they still depended on me to lead them as their leader. All I could do was continue to fight and keep the tears hidden. I would continue to ignore the noose that was wrapping around my neck, and continue to pray for respite. Keep on until fate finally knocked me to my feet and winded me.

It came suddenly one day with one swift motion that knocked me to the ground. Blood poured from the wound on my chest as I stared at the girl who attacked me. If I could, I would've thanked the half angel, half human who had sealed my death. Instead, all I could do is stare blankly ahead as I forced myself not to smile in relief. Death's welcoming embrace was almost within arm's reach, so close, yet it was not to be apparently.

I was snatched from death's welcoming grasp, torn away from the source of peace that I've experienced in a very long time. The man who denied the right to a honorable death was someone who I hope I never have to see again. His name was Olba, and he was one of the six Archbishops of the Church. He offered me something that I thought would solve all my problems at the time, something I thought I wanted more that life itself. He offered me a way to return to Heaven, but instead of a former exile, I would be a hero, all I had to do was kill Lord Satan and Emilia the Hero. On that day in the bloodstained field, I made what I consider now to be the biggest mistake of my life.

Dear reader, please understand that I what I ended up doing now haunts my every waking moment. The silence now causes me to remember the fear filled screams of those who were present on that day. I can still feel the mind numbing amount of fear that surrounded them as I absorbed it from the innocent. Now that my conscience has awoken, I realize that I would have never been able to do what I did in my current state. I can barely stomach it now. Even three months after the event, I can still see the pure horror that was embedded in their eyes as the bridge fell. The very bridge that my magic purposely caused to collapse atop them.

I am still trying to come to terms with I did, even after three months, I still can't believe how I acted...I was no more than a monster. Just like the one that the angel's in Heaven depicted me to be all that time ago. I wonder if my roommates, Satan and Alciel, know about my crippling guilt; if they even understand the full extent of it. I doubt they realize how it truly affects me, how it makes my skin to crawl and itch. How it feel likes there are little bugs crawling all over me, not going away, no matter how much I scratch. How I constantly feel like I deserve to die for what all I did- for even existing.

These thoughts churn and makes me wonder if anyone would even miss me if i disappeared from this world. If they would notice my sudden and unexpected absence or they would just shrug it off and just continue with life. Considering the way that everyone treats me, I highly doubt that they would even care. That they wouldn't even lose any sleep over it if I ceased to exist in this realm. The only thing that they would notice in my disappearance was their easy access to a free punching bag was gone.

Before you argue dear reader, please understand something first. These are the people that don't bother to ask for my input on things, regardless of what it is. They don't care enough to even acknowledge me as an equal, instead referring to me as a 'useless NEET' or a 'a waste of space'. A wasted life, just as I stated before, the one who could dematerialize into thin air and no one would bat an eye. No one will notice when they all wake up one morning and I'm not there in the house. They won't notice when I stand up and walk out of the door, never to return.

To be honest, I don't know what I will do when I leave or where I will go after that. Maybe I just find a nice secluded place where I can sleep and be left alone. Maybe I would sleep, at least until I worked up the courage to finally die, because honestly I am too scared to try right now. Maybe when I am out there on my own, I will be able to find a place where I am finally loved.

Reader, whoever you are, I don't know where I will leave this once I am done, but can I please ask a favor of you? Can you find my former roommates and let my passing be known to them so that they won't assume I'm doing something illegal again? Could you read off my final words to them, the thoughts that I could never voice to them? The thoughts that I kept locked and secure in my heart, safe and protected from the shadows that are now clawing at me.

Could you tell Sadao Maou I said thank you and that I am sorry? Thank-you for taking me in after my fall from Heaven all that time ago and for respecting me enough to make me his general. For giving me a chance to prove myself even after so many had denied me that chance. For not hating me, even after I betrayed him and for taking me in. Tell him that I am sorry for failing back on Ente Isla. For being so ready to accept death back then and that I relapsed into that way of thinking now. Tell him that I am sorry that I allowed for my emotions to cloud and eventually rule my judgement.

Could you tell Shiro Ashiya that I am sorry that I was a nuisance during my stay with them these past three months. That I know that my apology won't bring back any of the money that I selfishly spent on pointless stuff. That despite it all, I considered it a pleasure to meet him and be able to fight along side him. That I was glad that I got to know him and that regardless of how he felt for me, that I considered him a close friend.

Tell them that, despite being a contradiction to my earlier statement, it wasn't their fault. That my sense of self was shattered long before I met them. That my scattered and warped thoughts were products of my own creation. Tell them that I will miss them, even if they don't miss me in the end. Tell them that this is my goodbye and that I apologize that I couldn't tell them in person. That at least with my departure, they wouldn't have to worry about an extra mouth to feed. Right?

-Goodbye

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 **Author's Note in the next "chapter"**


	2. Final Author's Note (Please read)

**Author's Note:**

 **PLEASE READ BEFORE CONTINUING**

 **First of all, I want to say hello again, it's been a while since I posted a story on this site due to some things that were going on in my personal life. Thankfully, that seems to be done for the most part meaning that I can come back to writing and whatnot.**

 **Second off I wanted to post this as like a final warning before the point of no return came up on you readers.** **THIS STORY CONTAINS POSSIBLE TRIGGERS.**

 **TRIGGERS INCLUDE: Depression, Suicide (Implied or Outright),. That being said, if any of these topics bother you and/or can trigger anything please DO NOT READ.**

 **I am actually half convinced that this will be taken down from the site due to what the story itself is. I don't want to cause anyone any harm so please heed the warning above. Lastly, I do not own Devil is a Part-Timer! or any of the characters mentioned in this story.**

 **NOT A CHAPTER**

 **I wanted to make this separate from that actual work to clear up a few things before I got countless reviews asking why I wrote this and how I am a horrible person. I am well aware that suicide is no joking matter and should not being taken so lightly, that was never my intention. This work, while written from the perspective of a fictional character, was basically a way to arrange my own thoughts onto paper.**

 **It was never intended to seem like a joke or a means of making fun of those who suffer from depression and/or suicidal behavior. Suicide is a huge topic that no one should just brush off or look the other way to. That being said, those who are suffering from depression and contemplating suicide, please seek help. There are websites and a phone number that have people you can talk to 24/7 and not have to worry about being judged.**

 **I just wanted to make sure that everyone was aware of this. I'm once again sorry for anyone that was offended by this story.**

 **\- Xana**


End file.
